我是美国人

Walked into a bookstore the other day.

Imagine. A stranger approaches me – and proffers a pamphlet.

I look down… it’s an advertisement for one of the many English programs that can be found across China. Learn English in 30 days. Prepare for the IELTS, the TOEFL, the BEC, or whatever English proficiency test that is currently offered in an attempt to rape your savings. I laugh a little at the situation. Offering an American, English classes… this happens way too often. I can’t blame them – I’m not exactly their idea of a stereotypical American. One, I’m not white. And two, I can speak Chinese.

“不用” I tell him. I was born in Texas and grew up in Massachusetts. Really, now? Of course I don't need it.

He keeps following my friends and me around the bookstore. We’re browsing through HSK study materials, and I can’t hold a decent conversation with my friends as he keeps asking us questions.

“我们都是外国人,” I state, in hopes that he understands that English proficiency tests are the least of our worries. My annoyance is creeping into my voice.

“外国人也需要学英语. 看一下吧,” he replies. Damn, I forget sometimes that I look Asian. He thinks I’m Korean, Japanese, or from some Southeast Asian country. I look Asian, like everyone else. And for everyone else, English is required as a second language (except for Koreans?).

“其实，我是美国人 -- 我真不需要。别打扰我门吧。” My patience is wearing thin, and I usually don’t offer the fact that I’m American unless absolutely necessary.

He looks at me incredulously. I grew horns and a tail in the last few moments, apparently. “什么?你不是美国人 –敢说这样” I can imagine his thoughts. I immediately regret telling him I’m American. I should have just said that I was Japanese or Korean and gotten this conversation over with. I silently pray that he doesn’t ask me to prove it somehow. Am I supposed to always carry around my passport? Then I hear it--

"不会吧。那, 你用英语说话。给我听一下吧" Goddamnit. Every. Single. Time. Fine, whatever.

English it is, “I really am American. What do you want me to say to prove it? I grew up near Boston, Massachusetts and I’m here for the year to learn Chinese – not English. Could you leave us alone now?”

His eyes widen. It looks like he doesn’t know if he should laugh or even how to reply. He’s a little shocked – 惊呆了. I think to myself, “He finally gets it.” A wave of relief washes over me. I smirk, satisfied with his reaction.....

“骗人-- 你的发音不标准呀！听不懂。怎么告诉我你是美国人？你应该考虑我们的英语课"

My face drops.

The same expression that you’d have if you had the wind knocked out of you -- or just heard news about your ex getting married – or if you found out your friends stranded you with the ugly one – or discovered that someone’s been talking shit behind your back? – graced my face. The “are-you-fucking-kidding-me?” face -- as I like to call it.

I was just told by a Chinese guy that my English is terrible. I can’t possibly be American. As far as he knows, I’m a liar.

I give up.

I’ll just speak French next time and tell people it’s English.