“Get me the fuck out of here.”
is what I’m currently, quietly screaming inside my head.
I wonder if this wanderlust will ever disappear.
I’m never happy in one place for too long. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be happy in one place. I actually have a legitimate concern – that I can’t be happy in one place. You know how financial troubles, academic woes, and relationship drama can keep people up at nights? The fact that I can’t be happy in one place to me? Is what financial troubles, academic woes, and relationship dramas is to other people…. Analogies anyone? – No? Forget it.
This feeling of restlessness? Boredom?... Disgust? - at times. With any one place at any given time. Anxiety… that I’m at the wrong place, at the wrong time. What am I doing here? With my life? BREATHE. I should be somewhere else. Not here. Not there. Maybe, not anywhere. Life moves too quickly, too slowly -- why am I not home?
What is home? Define home. A convenient place to direct your mail? A convenient street number to write down on your financial aid forms, tax documents, and all things legitimate, official, centralized, stamped, sealed, tucked away in a dull grey file cabinet, bureaucratic, governmental, and entirely unnecessary. A necessity for a license and all things fun -- like that blue, sort of battered, matte-finished passport I own.
You can’t just exist. You need a number, you need a place. You need to belong. To somewhere. Anywhere.
As it turns out, we don’t own places, they own us. You’re strapped to that information. You live in the United States. You ARE a US citizen. Try to deny it. Just try it. You want to live somewhere else? What? You want to just pick up and live in Italy? Ireland? Where the hell is Maldives? Tonga cannot fucking exist. Timbucktoo for all I care. That’s not how you spell it? Oh, really. Well you can’t live there anyway. The middle of no where Mongolia? Good luck. Paperwork, red tape, embassies, visas, passports, interviews... God, help me. I can't just say I'm home when I feel like it?
You think you can just exist? Just wander? Just travel the world? Someone, somewhere, needs to know where you are. Well… what the fuck, I don’t feel like having a place today. Can’t I stand at any given place in this world, at any given time, and just declare “I belong here. THIS is home.” – without someone asking me for a document to prove it?
I don’t own a place. Why do I need to write my “permanent address”?
Lie. Yes, folks -- they’re telling me to lie. At this age, how the hell could I have a “permanent address”? What do I write down? My parent’s house. But, I’m hardly ever there. Maybe one out of four months of the year I live there. Not even. This year, I’ll be there for less than 50 days out of 365 days of the year (it’s not a leap year right?) My parent’s house. It’s not home. For me at least – it’s not home.
Home? You mean that room that is now my little brother’s?
Home? The couch that I sleep on in the living room when I get back to my four bedroom house?
Home? It sure as hell isn’t *insert town, state* -- because for the last three years, I’ve spent more time at my dormitory room in Delaware than I have at that address. I love my family, but the place we live, doesn’t feel like home. It’s not a part of us. I could take my family members to China with me, and not miss that small, cramped, and entirely too messy house.
Home? It used to be where my heart is. But now my heart feels like a ship at sea, without a lighthouse to guide it safely to shore. Yeah, you can sue me for that last bit. I agree, it warranted a bit of vomit.
Home? It can’t possibly be China. It can’t possibly be a country. I just want one place – to stay for an extended period of time. To decorate. To own. For my personality to permeate into the room. For others to walk into the room and think "This is definitely her place -- just look at it".
Home? It's a place where my things belong. So I don't have to move all my stuff every other month, lose favorite shirts in the process and re-alert my school where I will be staying for the year. It's a place where I belong.
I have feelings of longing. For a place that doesn’t exist. It exists in my mind as a fairytale. I want to put down roots. I want to come back to a space that’s my own. I want to know that it exists. That the little I own, when I come “home”, will be where I left it. Not stuffed away by my mother in the attic until I move into another dorm, another place, another temporary existence. I want picture frames to collect dust, music CDs to still be sprawled on the floor, the quilt as I left it on the couch, and the slight smell of flowers to fill the air when I bring white lilies home to freshen up the place.
Fuck. Someone tell me where home is.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Happy Holidays, New Years, Christmas, 等等
Sorry for the lack of blog posts/updates. With the holiday season, life, studying, etc -- I've just been too busy to update this blog. I will find time later to update you guys as to how life has been so far... but for now I'll just share with you my New Year's resolutions! ...... which actually turned into life resolutions before I realized it.
My Bucket List. 100 Things to do before I die list. Some things I'll never have the guts to do, some things I will challenge myself to complete. I actually wrote a list similar to this with Ariana Chiapella many years back (during our trip out West, remember that?)... but lost the Word Document after changing laptops. So in no particular order...
I want...
I hope...
I plan...
I know I'll find time...
1. To travel the world – first step: 25 Countries before I turn 25.
2. To finish a crossword puzzle in pen.
3. To completely work out my philosophy of life and my stance on the meaning of life.
4. To figure out my family tree and visit everyone still alive.
5. To hit 130 mph in a car, on the highway, in broad daylight – and hopefully not get caught?
6. To finish knitting a matching scarf, hat, and mitten set without giving up.
7. To take a vow of silence for a week. Online chatting is cheating, but pen and paper are allowed.
8. To kiss a girl and confirm to myself that I am in fact, more heterosexual than homosexual – or to discover otherwise.
9. To spend the entire day telling the truth and nothing but the truth.
10. To buy a new house for my parents and pay off their debt. Sincerely, tell them I love them.
11. To cut my hair – boy short. And rock it.
12. To watch a spectacular fireworks show/stargaze for an entire night with someone I love.
13. To meet an author, professor, or figure I really admire and shake his/her hand.
14. To backpack Southeast Asia, including Myanmar/Burma – bus, bike, and couch surfing.
15. To take a computer programming, aikido, and/or dance class.
16. To order the most expensive wine there is at a restaurant and not cringe at the price.
17. To invent my own recipe so I can pass it down to my daughter.
18. To find a book I’ll never grow tired of. Then set up a library in my house that has every edition.
19. To ride on the back of an elephant and/or dolphin.
20. To revisit my love for photography and set up a darkroom of my own.
21. To finish my bachelor’s degree, apply for graduate college, and find a fulfilling career.
22. To road trip from the top of Alaska to the tip of Argentina.
23. To interrogate my little brothers’ fiancées. Freak them out, then welcome them to the family.
24. To throw a three day bachelorette party for my best friend – male strippers included.
25. To try contacts for the first time and get rid of my glasses.
26. To live in a yurt and lead a nomadic life for a week or two – preferably in Mongolia but Inner Mongolia works.
27. To watch the sunrise on one side of the world, and the sunset on the other.
28. To spend an entire day blowing bubbles in the park, and see who’s willing to join me.
29. To spend a weekend with people 3 or 4 times my age in hopes that their wisdom will rub off.
30. To compete in a mud race or run a marathon.
31. To write a book and have it published.
32. To finish a game of monopoly or risk.
33. To declare my feelings truthfully to someone without a single clue to how they feel about me.
34. To pay every toll for the car behind me for a road trip – with a message on every dollar.
35. To make a lifelong promise to someone.
36. To live in another country for a few years before finally settling back in the states for good.
37. To fully experience every emotion there is -- to cry, laugh, and sometimes both at the same time.
38. To be a little kid’s hero.
39. To finish a video game. Yeah…
40. To master a badass card trick. Or magic trick. Or some sort of party trick.
41. To kiss someone under the mistletoe at Christmas time.
42. To dip my feet in every ocean and sea.
43. To find time to put a message in a bottle, and throw it into the ocean.
44. To learn how to play a new instrument, and become fairly good.
45. To be an eccentric professor that doesn’t believe in grades.
46. To learn five languages – and be able to converse semi fluently in those five languages.
47. To go on a month long hike, with a few friends and nothing but a backpack.
48. To travel by myself to another country with nothing but my wallet.
49. To test drive a car I could never afford, and then buy it one day during my midlife crisis.
50. To scream at the top of my lungs at the top of a mountain.
51. To get completely drunk at least once, and not remember parts of the night.
52. To stop wishing at 11:11, on shooting stars, and rainbows and make my own wishes come true.
53. To meditate for a few days. Fast. And cleanse.
54. To keep a journal for my daughter for when she turns 20.
55. To pay for a photoshoot so that I can remember that I was once young and not-that-bad looking when I’m old.
56. To kiss a completely drop-dead-gorgeous stranger – and then apologize.
57. To finally kiss someone and feel that immediate spark.
58. To allow a guy pay for an entire date and not feel guilty.
59. To help a homeless person, from start to finish – job, shelter, food.
60. To go bungee jumping, sky diving, and/or base jumping.
61. To scuba dive the Great Barrier Reef and take a ride on a gondola in Venice – all the places that will soon disappear.
62. To book the VIP room at a stupidly expensive hotel and squander money for a weekend.
63. To indulge in every sin, at least once, then repent.
64. To fall in love at first sight, have a fling, then say goodbye.
65. To really punch someone in the face with everything I have. Slaps aren’t that satisfying.
66. To plant a tree, and then be buried under it when I die.
67. To quit a job. In a bitter, heated, angry way. Make a scene.
68. To make an extremely important decision – with a coin flip.
69. To become good friends with a stranger I meet in a bookstore.
70. To finally ride a goddamn ferris wheel.
71. To learn how to ballroom dance --- like REALLY ballroom dance.
72. To recite a poem from memory – or memorize the lyrics to that Barenaked Ladies song.
73. To go ice climbing in Bolivia or Colorado.
74. To learn a few snowboard tricks and show off.
75. To send flowers to the man I love – and completely embarrass him at work.
76. To have my honeymoon in Hainan just because I recently saw a movie that was filmed there.
77. To have my own apartment, decorate it, and have my own space.
78. To be vegan for a year.
79. To have my own house, with a family, a dog, and maybe too many bills to pay.
80. To go fishing until I catch a fish, then learn how to clean and eat it.
81. To read every part of a newspaper – including the sports section – from cover to cover.
82. To be the perfect host, cook several courses, and have a fancy dinner with friends.
83. To explore a different religion thoroughly and ponder the actual possibility of converting.
84. To throw away a month’s paycheck on a pair of shoes or a pair of designer jeans.
85. To give every piece of clothing I own to a charity.
86. To take care of someone during their last days.
87. To try stinky tofu.
88. To skinny dip at midnight.
89. To go snow shoeing under a full moon after a fresh snow fall.
90. To lose 10 pounds? Eventually, when I need to.
91. To be a waitress once, hate it, and remind myself why I want a college degree.
92. To see my high school sweetheart after I’m married, with one and a half kids.
93. To forgive someone I said I would never forgive.
94. To spend a Halloween night by myself, watching scary movies, with the lights off.
95. To see Jamie Cullum in concert – and fall in love with his voice all over again.
96. To date a Republican, just to say I dated a Republican.
97. To date a guy whose name starts with A, because a fortune teller once told me I’d marry a guy with the letter A somehow associated with him.
98. To fall in love with my best friend and marry him.
99. Learn how to play “Comfortable” by John Mayer on the guitar – and rewrite the words a bit.
100. To finish this list, and add on a new goal every year.
My Bucket List. 100 Things to do before I die list. Some things I'll never have the guts to do, some things I will challenge myself to complete. I actually wrote a list similar to this with Ariana Chiapella many years back (during our trip out West, remember that?)... but lost the Word Document after changing laptops. So in no particular order...
I want...
I hope...
I plan...
I know I'll find time...
1. To travel the world – first step: 25 Countries before I turn 25.
2. To finish a crossword puzzle in pen.
3. To completely work out my philosophy of life and my stance on the meaning of life.
4. To figure out my family tree and visit everyone still alive.
5. To hit 130 mph in a car, on the highway, in broad daylight – and hopefully not get caught?
6. To finish knitting a matching scarf, hat, and mitten set without giving up.
7. To take a vow of silence for a week. Online chatting is cheating, but pen and paper are allowed.
8. To kiss a girl and confirm to myself that I am in fact, more heterosexual than homosexual – or to discover otherwise.
9. To spend the entire day telling the truth and nothing but the truth.
10. To buy a new house for my parents and pay off their debt. Sincerely, tell them I love them.
11. To cut my hair – boy short. And rock it.
12. To watch a spectacular fireworks show/stargaze for an entire night with someone I love.
13. To meet an author, professor, or figure I really admire and shake his/her hand.
14. To backpack Southeast Asia, including Myanmar/Burma – bus, bike, and couch surfing.
15. To take a computer programming, aikido, and/or dance class.
16. To order the most expensive wine there is at a restaurant and not cringe at the price.
17. To invent my own recipe so I can pass it down to my daughter.
18. To find a book I’ll never grow tired of. Then set up a library in my house that has every edition.
19. To ride on the back of an elephant and/or dolphin.
20. To revisit my love for photography and set up a darkroom of my own.
21. To finish my bachelor’s degree, apply for graduate college, and find a fulfilling career.
22. To road trip from the top of Alaska to the tip of Argentina.
23. To interrogate my little brothers’ fiancées. Freak them out, then welcome them to the family.
24. To throw a three day bachelorette party for my best friend – male strippers included.
25. To try contacts for the first time and get rid of my glasses.
26. To live in a yurt and lead a nomadic life for a week or two – preferably in Mongolia but Inner Mongolia works.
27. To watch the sunrise on one side of the world, and the sunset on the other.
28. To spend an entire day blowing bubbles in the park, and see who’s willing to join me.
29. To spend a weekend with people 3 or 4 times my age in hopes that their wisdom will rub off.
30. To compete in a mud race or run a marathon.
31. To write a book and have it published.
32. To finish a game of monopoly or risk.
33. To declare my feelings truthfully to someone without a single clue to how they feel about me.
34. To pay every toll for the car behind me for a road trip – with a message on every dollar.
35. To make a lifelong promise to someone.
36. To live in another country for a few years before finally settling back in the states for good.
37. To fully experience every emotion there is -- to cry, laugh, and sometimes both at the same time.
38. To be a little kid’s hero.
39. To finish a video game. Yeah…
40. To master a badass card trick. Or magic trick. Or some sort of party trick.
41. To kiss someone under the mistletoe at Christmas time.
42. To dip my feet in every ocean and sea.
43. To find time to put a message in a bottle, and throw it into the ocean.
44. To learn how to play a new instrument, and become fairly good.
45. To be an eccentric professor that doesn’t believe in grades.
46. To learn five languages – and be able to converse semi fluently in those five languages.
47. To go on a month long hike, with a few friends and nothing but a backpack.
48. To travel by myself to another country with nothing but my wallet.
49. To test drive a car I could never afford, and then buy it one day during my midlife crisis.
50. To scream at the top of my lungs at the top of a mountain.
51. To get completely drunk at least once, and not remember parts of the night.
52. To stop wishing at 11:11, on shooting stars, and rainbows and make my own wishes come true.
53. To meditate for a few days. Fast. And cleanse.
54. To keep a journal for my daughter for when she turns 20.
55. To pay for a photoshoot so that I can remember that I was once young and not-that-bad looking when I’m old.
56. To kiss a completely drop-dead-gorgeous stranger – and then apologize.
57. To finally kiss someone and feel that immediate spark.
58. To allow a guy pay for an entire date and not feel guilty.
59. To help a homeless person, from start to finish – job, shelter, food.
60. To go bungee jumping, sky diving, and/or base jumping.
61. To scuba dive the Great Barrier Reef and take a ride on a gondola in Venice – all the places that will soon disappear.
62. To book the VIP room at a stupidly expensive hotel and squander money for a weekend.
63. To indulge in every sin, at least once, then repent.
64. To fall in love at first sight, have a fling, then say goodbye.
65. To really punch someone in the face with everything I have. Slaps aren’t that satisfying.
66. To plant a tree, and then be buried under it when I die.
67. To quit a job. In a bitter, heated, angry way. Make a scene.
68. To make an extremely important decision – with a coin flip.
69. To become good friends with a stranger I meet in a bookstore.
70. To finally ride a goddamn ferris wheel.
71. To learn how to ballroom dance --- like REALLY ballroom dance.
72. To recite a poem from memory – or memorize the lyrics to that Barenaked Ladies song.
73. To go ice climbing in Bolivia or Colorado.
74. To learn a few snowboard tricks and show off.
75. To send flowers to the man I love – and completely embarrass him at work.
76. To have my honeymoon in Hainan just because I recently saw a movie that was filmed there.
77. To have my own apartment, decorate it, and have my own space.
78. To be vegan for a year.
79. To have my own house, with a family, a dog, and maybe too many bills to pay.
80. To go fishing until I catch a fish, then learn how to clean and eat it.
81. To read every part of a newspaper – including the sports section – from cover to cover.
82. To be the perfect host, cook several courses, and have a fancy dinner with friends.
83. To explore a different religion thoroughly and ponder the actual possibility of converting.
84. To throw away a month’s paycheck on a pair of shoes or a pair of designer jeans.
85. To give every piece of clothing I own to a charity.
86. To take care of someone during their last days.
87. To try stinky tofu.
88. To skinny dip at midnight.
89. To go snow shoeing under a full moon after a fresh snow fall.
90. To lose 10 pounds? Eventually, when I need to.
91. To be a waitress once, hate it, and remind myself why I want a college degree.
92. To see my high school sweetheart after I’m married, with one and a half kids.
93. To forgive someone I said I would never forgive.
94. To spend a Halloween night by myself, watching scary movies, with the lights off.
95. To see Jamie Cullum in concert – and fall in love with his voice all over again.
96. To date a Republican, just to say I dated a Republican.
97. To date a guy whose name starts with A, because a fortune teller once told me I’d marry a guy with the letter A somehow associated with him.
98. To fall in love with my best friend and marry him.
99. Learn how to play “Comfortable” by John Mayer on the guitar – and rewrite the words a bit.
100. To finish this list, and add on a new goal every year.
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