Life, love, and what happens after... IV

After less than an amicable split with Mammet …

I, of course, once again, swore off men.
And of course, once again, I found myself in a romantic entanglement of sorts...

Let’s call him Lee.

A Chinese university student.
A biology major with a basketball obsession.
5’10 with black thick-rimmed frames.
An excellent Chinese calligrapher.
Who had a slight, yet endearing, Changsha accent.
And, he was smart. i.e. my type.

Our first date was probably perfect. Dinner, arcade, walking around the pedestrian street just talking, a movie, and the softest goodbye kiss before I left the cab. I had butterflies. He had treated me like a princess -- a perfect gentleman.

And so I found myself in the world of “casual dating”.

casual dating
v.: A compound of casual, meaning not regular or permanent and dating, defined as going out with someone in whom one is attracted to. Casual dating offers the benefits of relationships with none of the commitment: “casually dating him before we make any decisions to see each other exclusively”

My friend Jason after a dessert and catch up session just shook his head at the news.

“You’re going to break that poor Chinese boy's heart, Tc.”
I laughed, not committing myself to any response.

After the second date with Lee, I clarified that my studies was my number one priority. He told me that was fine.

After the third date, I clarified that my friends were more important at this point in my life. He told me he’d be happy if he was just a little bit special.

After the fourth date, I clarified that I didn’t want a boyfriend. He told me that he was willing to wait for me.

Almost exactly a month after our first date, we fell apart after the fifth date.
Perhaps I should’ve made it clear after the first date I didn’t want a relationship.

Lee was hurt to say the least. He said that girls like me were the worst. The ones that refused to get close to anyone because they’ve been hurt once. The girls that hurt guys because they don’t want to be hurt themselves.

I felt bad. But not bad enough to change my mind. I wasn't in love -- and as much as rejection had hurt him, he wasn't in love either. He'd bounce back -- I was sure of it. He was a good looking guy with a bright future -- any girl would be lucky to have him. I just wasn't that girl. He deserved someone better than me, or at the very least, he deserved someone ready for a relationship.

Instead, I was cursing my luck.

How did I keep finding guys that only wanted a serious relationship? Wouldn’t most guys jump at the idea of casually dating a girl? Where you don’t have to call or text a girl every day and where there were no expectations. The courtship period where only if two people were conveniently free at the same time -- would they then make plans to go out together and have a drink. The time period before two people have the "DTR" -- where you don’t have to attach the messy definitions of “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” or “just friends”.

No strings attached. No time commitment. No heartache. No guilt for wanting to travel.

But then I realized, that was the problem The cultural differences that complicates all relationships with foreigners. Sometimes there are no translations, let alone definitions.

In English, we have a hard enough time defining relationships let alone understanding them. Casual dating, friends with benefits, open relationships, "single", hook up buddies, f*ck buddies, dating, boyfriend, girlfriend, backburner... it goes on, and on, and on.

Now if there are no translations for these types of relationships -- how can you even fathom the concept? The idea of "casually dating" or "open relationship" is as foreign to a Chinese person as the idea of "celibacy" is to an American frat guy (sorry for the stereotype).

In Chinese there are only three types of relationship a guy can have with a girl:

1. 普通朋友 (normal friends, "just friends" which you do not hang out with 1 on 1)
2. 兄弟姐妹 (brother and sister relationship -- self explanatory) and...

3. 男女朋友 (boyfriend and girlfriend)

The closest idea they have to "dating" is "谈恋爱" -- which literally translates to "talk about love" and roughly translates to "be in a relationship". But this verb can only be used to refer to "boyfriend and girlfriend" relationships --

The idea of “暧昧” means "complicated" but only in reference to the period before you confess your feelings to each other and you're still unsure about the other person's feelings.

So how do you explain the idea of "casual dating" to someone who has never heard of casual dating? It's difficult. It's like reteaching the alphabet to a seven year old who's set in his ways. Lee just couldn't understand the concept of "no commitment" because to him -- if he liked a girl and the girl liked him, what was stopping the two persons from making a commitment to each other. He didn't understand that in the States.... we can spend weeks, months, forever dating someone before deciding to make anything official. Liking someone isn't enough reason for a relationship. For him, it seemed as though there needed to be a 结果, a conclusion, of some sort to our complicated relationship. Why waste your time if you're not going to end up together?

My mindset at the time? I was in the firm belief that if there's a "start" to a relationship, then there necessarily must be an "end".

So why define it?

If I start a relationship someone (at least at this point in my life) -- more than likely, there will be a "break up". I hate being broken up with and I hate being the one to initiate a break up. So let's bypass the mess, I say. I didn't want a conclusion to my friendship with him -- so it was easier to keep things up in the air. It was nicer to not be defined. To not need to breakup. To not need to say goodbye. If we were happy just spending time together then why couldn't we continue just getting to know each other?

After a few weeks apart, we ended up staying "just friends".

And then I happened upon a realization... I wouldn’t waste my time with a guy that didn’t want to spend time with me – get to know me, appreciate me. But the guys that wanted to spend time, get to know me, and possibly fall in love with me? For the most part, won’t be the type to waste their time on casual relationships. So, to sum things up: I want a guy that wants to spend time getting to know me -- but not a guy willing to dedicate his time to me. I never said that I made sense. Damn. I realize I'm going to be single for a very long time.

So howabout a Beijing fling?

fling
n.: A short period of enjoyment or wild behavior: "one final fling before a tranquil retirement"