“我爱你。。。”
I stared at the Mammet on the screen. Speechless, terrified, I felt my feet turn into ice. Did he really just say he loved me? I knew it was coming, but I was still baffled, speechless, and scared shitless.
Within few days, I broke up with him.
Over Skype… (hey, I never said I was perfect)
Breaking up with someone... is always a less than pleasant affair, to say the least.
He begged me to stay with him but I stood my ground.
He begged me to let him see me but I ignored him.
He begged me to make him understand but I had no words.
I stared at the Mammet on the screen. Speechless, terrified, I felt my feet turn into ice. Did he really just say he loved me? I knew it was coming, but I was still baffled, speechless, and scared shitless.
Within few days, I broke up with him.
Over Skype… (hey, I never said I was perfect)
Breaking up with someone... is always a less than pleasant affair, to say the least.
He begged me to stay with him but I stood my ground.
He begged me to let him see me but I ignored him.
He begged me to make him understand but I had no words.
I felt disgust, confusion, anger, regret, guilt – and a little bit of everything at one time.
At one point, I heard myself thinking.... “Why are you being so pathetic?” as if those weren't my own thoughts and words, but that of a heartless bitch. Then, ashamed of myself for not being able to empathize and be more patient with his pain... I retreated into my thoughts until I could come to terms with what I had just done.
What had I just done? I had broken someone’s heart.
I had broken someone’s heart because I had been trying to fix my own screwed-up one.
I tried my best, did the most I could, to make things easier for him… but is there such a thing as easily breaking someone’s heart? Breaking someone’s heart easily? Easy heart-breaking? Breaking easily into someone's heart. Easing a breaking heart? The ease of breaking a heart.
It’s not you, it’s me.
I’m not breaking up with you because of someone else.
I just want to be by myself.
I just don’t love you.
After some bitter words from his end, I had more than enough reasons to never talk to him again. By the time it was all over, all I could feel was “relief” – in the very true sense of the word. I finally wasn’t running away, escaping, or using someone to pass the time. I was cleansed in a sense.
But I want to clarify. I wasn't a good person for hurting him, but nor was I a bad person. It took me a long time to understand that jumping into a relationship, and essentially rebounding... so soon after the end of a tumultuous relationship... was definitely wrong, selfish, and had the potential for high casualties. But I'm only 20 years old! I'm still young! I had been honest with him the entire time. What guy wouldn't want a casual relationship!? But, Tc, be honest.... You should've known better. Approaching a relationship with an end-date was probably a bad idea. At least, I'm making these mistakes now instead of later on when it's supposed to count... I tried to assuage my consience with these facts and life lessons. But I still feel horrible for what happened.
And then my friend Jesse asked me a very important question…
“Are you sure you’re not breaking up with Mammet because he’s a “nice guy”?”
Valid question…
But what is a nice guy? I had once thought, the only “nice guy” is the guy that’s in love. But that can’t be true, because I myself have a ton of guy friends who I consider “nice guys”. You know… the ones that deserve the sweetest, smartest, and sexiest girl out there.
The “nice guy” that you would ideally date, have fantasized about dating, or have future plots to date -- but for some reason aren’t. You know those guys that are not garbage, have baggage, or seem damaged.
Stable, loving, and committed.
And I thought about this question for a long time… was I a masochist? Did I only love my ex because he didn’t love me back? Did I only like a guy because of the chase? Did I want guys to play “hard-to-get”? Was there a Freudian answer to all of my questions?
Nah, the answer was simple. Mammet wasn’t a “nice guy” by any measure, but at the end of the day… it didn’t matter if he was a “nice guy” or not. He just wasn’t “the guy”. Or rather, I just wasn’t “the girl”. Or better, I just wasn’t ready for a relationship.
I didn’t want stable, loving, or committed.
I just wanted to be happy again.
By myself.
By myself.
Wow, TC. I decided to take the time to read your blog and I'm so glad that I did. You're an amazing girl and you totally have my full-hearted respect (you always have ever since the first day I sat alone at lunch on my first day of school and you reached out to me.[i'll always remember that] Even though we've hardly spoken before, I can seriously say that I really look up to you.)
ReplyDeleteFunny cause I pretty much had the same experience a week or two ago. I got into a relationship with a japanese exchange student thinking that it would end when he left for Japan, but he got way too serious and scared me to death when he started talking about love and marriage. I broke up with him two weeks ago and as difficult as that was, I'm so glad that I did. I feel like I can finally live for myself again.
I also wonder a lot whether I like a guy simply for the chase, but i think it's more than that. It's about the excitement. By pursuing someone who can keep you on the edge, we live our lives to the fullest, a roller coaster of emotions. We feel the thrill of life. We know true happiness because we know pain and "nice guys" simply can't give us that. I think we're all a little commitment-phobic deep down. We want to be loved and spoiled, but we don't want to give up the excitement for it. We're too young to settle for "stable, loving, and committed." Especially for an strong, independent, adventurous woman like yourself,this kind of thing just shows that you're still seeking adventure in your life. You're searching for your happiness and you recognized that he simply wasn't what you were looking for. (I understand why he fell in love with you though. I don't think that there's any sane guy who wouldn't.)
Anyhow,stay strong, girl. If anyone can find true happiness, it's definitely you.