I haven't seen the stars in a while. I miss them.
Right now in my life, I lack total silence.
Probably why I could never spend the rest of my life in a city...
Give me a clear sky any night.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
端午节快乐！
Quick thoughts:
"端午节" does not translate to "Dragon Boat Festival"
Thai & Vietnamese 粽子 are more 丰富... and use banana leaves.
Chinese 粽子sometimes don't have any filling!!??
We're celebrating a guy because he killed himself.
Okay, not really.
And no, no boats in sight. A little bit of a disappointment. =[
Don't bother watching the video below.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Two missed calls later...
+00614XXXXXXXX (05/29 7:40 PM): Hi,this is an international call,my name is George in Sydney.sorry to bother
Another ring… But my mind wanders briefly…
Vague recollections, memories from October of last year, begin to float languidly to the surface. It had been raining that night. A slight sense of dread draped me as I took a step out of the café. Why hadn’t I brought an umbrella? Why didn't it start raining three hours ago when I was on my way out? I grimaced looking down at my new shoes I had decided to parade around today, of all days. I hate rain and public transportation. I hate rain without rain-boots...
Anny laughs, what was I worried about? Her friend George could drive us home. It wouldn’t be inconveniencing him at all. Who is George? I don’t know him, never met him – but Anny assures Brandon and I that "George" will drive us home. If Brandon comes, it should be alright… Plus, I reason, I don’t want to take a cab home by myself. We greet "George", not pausing for introductions, and jump into his car.
The car ride back to the dormitory is relatively short, no more than 10 minutes, give or take a few pauses. It seems small talk in English is mandatory. “George” talks mainly about himself… he’s headed to Australia soon. I’m lost in my own thoughts as I watch raindrops coalesce, separate, intertwine, and not so fluidly trail down the window. I sit in the backseat with Brandon. Still a little stiff… my hands begin to hurt. I hate rainy weather...
I lift my head quickly as I realize someone is talking to me.
Perhaps we could all meet up and practice English, his Chinese accented voice breaks through my weariness. I am polite but not warm, giving a muffled non-committal hum.
A few days later I received a text from “George”. He’s sorry to bother me but he had gotten my number from Anny. Was I free for coffee?
Who was George again? ... I pause, fumbling and sifting through papers on my desk, buying my memory time to remember the name. I scramble for a scrap of my memory. I remember I didn't have a particularly good first impression of him.
He had come off as strange to me... I had a neutral, leaning towards a negative, first impression. Impeccably dressed, not bad looking, but not my type, a little too arrogant that wasn't confidence, and I could tell he was "rich". Not that I dislike people with money, I'm just wary of them. And I hated his voice. Low but not at all attractive, like a dull thud, like a wet log being thrown into the mud. Or a limp corse being tossed casually into a grave. A little bit like Bert's voice from Sesame Street. Boring...his speaking style a soft drone and not the least bit riveting or even interesting. Like listening to a lecturer from the back of a large auditorium with two hundred other students, half of whom are hidden behind their books. Make no mistake, they're sleeping not studying...
Would Anny be there, I ask? He doesn’t reply and instead sidesteps my question telling me he could pick me up because he has a car. I’m not sure I really care he has a car.
Tomorrow’s not good? What about anytime I’m free?
I’m conveniently busy at any time. I tell him that maybe we can go when Anny’s free.
A few weeks later in December, “George” texts me to ask me if I’d like to get coffee again because he’s leaving for Australia in two days. He would love to be able to practice speaking English with me before he has to leave. At this point, I’ve started dating Mammet… so I politely decline telling him I don’t feel comfortable meeting him one on one while I have a boyfriend.
The texts end.
Another ring and my thoughts interrupt themselves.
He was a friend of a friend, perhaps I should be polite. Plus, it seems as if he won’t stop calling until I pick up… And apparently he's calling me from Australia?
“喂，你好…”
We speak for less than two minutes and thirty-six seconds, during which time I robotically go through the pleasantries. I’m quite good at those now. I’m distracted as I take the call… I’m shopping with Best, my roommate.
Yes, I do remember him… but why was he calling again? Is it urgent? He doesn’t hear my question apparently – and instead returns my question with a few of his own. Yes, my studies were fine. Yes, so was my health I suppose. Oh really, he’s coming back to Changsha – well isn’t that great. Oh, too bad I’ll be leaving Changsha soon. Where am I going? Beijing. He tells me that he was thinking of traveling to Beijing for some fun when he’s back in China. Right… Damn
He asks me for my email… I distractedly give it to him. Maybe he’ll stop bothering me now? I give him the wrong email address at the very last moment. I tell him I’m busy, now annoyed with myself. I try to live by the idea that it only takes a second to be polite -- but I had given him 156 seconds. I hang up, perhaps a little too abruptly.
+00614XXXXXXXX (05/29 8:01 PM): Hi,very glad to hear you are going to work in Beijing for sometime.I will go to Beijing at the end of the year. I thought I can not see you any more.take care
I carelessly look back at the text, dismiss it, and go back to the changing room. In my mind at this point, I had fulfilled all necessary obligation to be polite to a person who was my friend's friend.
+00614XXXXXXXX (05/29 8:36 PM): Hi,I just trying to send you emails,unfortunately I failed. Would you mind sending me email so I can email you back with the following address: georgeXXXXX@hotmail.com.Thank you and looking forward to your email
Tc (05/29 9:25 PM): Hi, just wondering why you wanted to contact me? I just find it odd you would go through so much trouble? Hah…
+00614XXXXXXXX (05/29 9:32 PM): To be honest,mysterious longing just for the once unforgettable charisma.Hopefully you do not mind accepting as a friend
Gotta hand it to him, haven’t heard that one yet. I’m a little weirded out, but it’s not as if a random pick up line can really phase me. I don't text back. I decided to ignore him. He'll get the hint, right? He'll go away.
A few days later...
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/04 9:52 AM): TC,Best wishes on the dragon boat festival.I understand it is hard for me to win your confidence,which is not bad.Maybe I should have an Aussie girl friend
Tc (06/05 10:45 AM): ? Why are you telling me you should have an Aussie girlfriend. Did you think we were going to date? Either I’m confused or you are...
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 10:56 AM): I really wanted to date you before I left Changsha, but you said you have a boyfriend and denied to meet me.Even do I still miss you and hope to make friends with you because you have your rights to choose your boyfriend.I am an optimistic man,I sincerely wish though I can not make it
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 11:36 AM): If you are available,I am honored to one of the potential candidates to go after you.If you are not available I am happy to be friends
Tc (06/05 12:48 PM): We only met once… I don’t understand how you could want to pursue me. You don’t even know me. I’m sorry but I’m a little uncomfortable with this situation.
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 2:36 PM): I saw you once,that’s true.But you did give me a very good impression and honored to be friend with you.That’s the reason,I ask for your email ,so we can get to know each other more.So take it easy and relax,I will never push you.Anyhow I will go to Beijing after I graduate
Tc (06/05 2:42 PM): Okay… But I’m not going to be in Beijing? I’m going back to France then the States.
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 2:44 PM): OMG,when will you depart Beijing
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 2:51 PM): tceu1@yahoo.com is your email address?I planned to send you a few pictures so you can recognize who I am.Please do the same, so I can keep you in my heart
Do you think if I see a picture of you I’ll suddenly change my mind and become interested? And my picture? Uh. If the warning bells hadn't gone off already in my head, they sure as hell were ringing out full blast now. I don’t text back. I’m actually a little scared. This is so stupid, I think to myself…
----
My cell phone rings almost six hours later at 8:30 PM. I don’t have caller ID and usually pick up all of the calls I receive.
“喂?” I calmly ask....
His voice. I immediately hang up. I panic. Why is he calling me?
----
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 8:37 PM): Hi, your voice is very sweet,I do not know the reason my voice can not go through
Tc (06/05 8:40 PM): I’m sorry. But the attention you’re giving me is making me uncomfortable. Especially because you’re overseas and still feel the need to contact me so persistently.
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 8:45 PM): I am sorry to make you uncomfortable.Would you please send me your email and when will you go to Beijing and then depart.I am thinking of taking the upcoming holiday to back to China so you can have minimum impression on me.if I can make it,good,if can not,I will keep you as a friend in my memory
Tc (06/05 8:53 PM): You’re going to come back to China just so that I can meet you? I’m not comfortable with meeting you. You’re really a stranger and I don’t need this type of attention.
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 9:06 PM): Do not be nervous.I tried,failed, will not regret. This will be a short scenario in life.I thoroughly respect you.Would you please send me your email address.Actually I am considering apply PHD in an American university
Tc (06/05 9:10 PM): I’m sorry. But I do not want to give you my email address.
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 9:15 PM): You do not have to say sorry.it is all my fault.Your denial makes sense .Maybe this is the last contacts between you and me
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 9:24 PM): I always watch my manners as a gentleman should be based on my horizon.Your refusal just breaks my long waited dream.Anyhow which is not bad.I always sincerely wish you best happiness though I can not bring to you.
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 9:37 PM): TC,except dating,there ate many things more than that .I do not understand why it is so hard or even impossible to make friend with you.I am not a wolf nor a hooligan ,but a sincere man with warm heart and integrity
Tc (06/05 9:45 PM): I don’t know you. If you were actually a gentleman you would take this rejection gracefully as you said you would. I have no interest in being friends with someone who barely knows me and goes to such lengths. Your attraction to me seems superficial at best. Please stop.
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/06 11:37 AM): TC,I will give up as you said.However I want to protest that love is miracle and distance is not the pretext .I will back to china in several months. Best wishes to you
Another ring… But my mind wanders briefly…
Vague recollections, memories from October of last year, begin to float languidly to the surface. It had been raining that night. A slight sense of dread draped me as I took a step out of the café. Why hadn’t I brought an umbrella? Why didn't it start raining three hours ago when I was on my way out? I grimaced looking down at my new shoes I had decided to parade around today, of all days. I hate rain and public transportation. I hate rain without rain-boots...
Anny laughs, what was I worried about? Her friend George could drive us home. It wouldn’t be inconveniencing him at all. Who is George? I don’t know him, never met him – but Anny assures Brandon and I that "George" will drive us home. If Brandon comes, it should be alright… Plus, I reason, I don’t want to take a cab home by myself. We greet "George", not pausing for introductions, and jump into his car.
The car ride back to the dormitory is relatively short, no more than 10 minutes, give or take a few pauses. It seems small talk in English is mandatory. “George” talks mainly about himself… he’s headed to Australia soon. I’m lost in my own thoughts as I watch raindrops coalesce, separate, intertwine, and not so fluidly trail down the window. I sit in the backseat with Brandon. Still a little stiff… my hands begin to hurt. I hate rainy weather...
I lift my head quickly as I realize someone is talking to me.
Perhaps we could all meet up and practice English, his Chinese accented voice breaks through my weariness. I am polite but not warm, giving a muffled non-committal hum.
A few days later I received a text from “George”. He’s sorry to bother me but he had gotten my number from Anny. Was I free for coffee?
Who was George again? ... I pause, fumbling and sifting through papers on my desk, buying my memory time to remember the name. I scramble for a scrap of my memory. I remember I didn't have a particularly good first impression of him.
He had come off as strange to me... I had a neutral, leaning towards a negative, first impression. Impeccably dressed, not bad looking, but not my type, a little too arrogant that wasn't confidence, and I could tell he was "rich". Not that I dislike people with money, I'm just wary of them. And I hated his voice. Low but not at all attractive, like a dull thud, like a wet log being thrown into the mud. Or a limp corse being tossed casually into a grave. A little bit like Bert's voice from Sesame Street. Boring...his speaking style a soft drone and not the least bit riveting or even interesting. Like listening to a lecturer from the back of a large auditorium with two hundred other students, half of whom are hidden behind their books. Make no mistake, they're sleeping not studying...
Would Anny be there, I ask? He doesn’t reply and instead sidesteps my question telling me he could pick me up because he has a car. I’m not sure I really care he has a car.
Tomorrow’s not good? What about anytime I’m free?
I’m conveniently busy at any time. I tell him that maybe we can go when Anny’s free.
A few weeks later in December, “George” texts me to ask me if I’d like to get coffee again because he’s leaving for Australia in two days. He would love to be able to practice speaking English with me before he has to leave. At this point, I’ve started dating Mammet… so I politely decline telling him I don’t feel comfortable meeting him one on one while I have a boyfriend.
The texts end.
Another ring and my thoughts interrupt themselves.
He was a friend of a friend, perhaps I should be polite. Plus, it seems as if he won’t stop calling until I pick up… And apparently he's calling me from Australia?
“喂，你好…”
We speak for less than two minutes and thirty-six seconds, during which time I robotically go through the pleasantries. I’m quite good at those now. I’m distracted as I take the call… I’m shopping with Best, my roommate.
Yes, I do remember him… but why was he calling again? Is it urgent? He doesn’t hear my question apparently – and instead returns my question with a few of his own. Yes, my studies were fine. Yes, so was my health I suppose. Oh really, he’s coming back to Changsha – well isn’t that great. Oh, too bad I’ll be leaving Changsha soon. Where am I going? Beijing. He tells me that he was thinking of traveling to Beijing for some fun when he’s back in China. Right… Damn
He asks me for my email… I distractedly give it to him. Maybe he’ll stop bothering me now? I give him the wrong email address at the very last moment. I tell him I’m busy, now annoyed with myself. I try to live by the idea that it only takes a second to be polite -- but I had given him 156 seconds. I hang up, perhaps a little too abruptly.
+00614XXXXXXXX (05/29 8:01 PM): Hi,very glad to hear you are going to work in Beijing for sometime.I will go to Beijing at the end of the year. I thought I can not see you any more.take care
I carelessly look back at the text, dismiss it, and go back to the changing room. In my mind at this point, I had fulfilled all necessary obligation to be polite to a person who was my friend's friend.
+00614XXXXXXXX (05/29 8:36 PM): Hi,I just trying to send you emails,unfortunately I failed. Would you mind sending me email so I can email you back with the following address: georgeXXXXX@hotmail.com.Thank you and looking forward to your email
Tc (05/29 9:25 PM): Hi, just wondering why you wanted to contact me? I just find it odd you would go through so much trouble? Hah…
+00614XXXXXXXX (05/29 9:32 PM): To be honest,mysterious longing just for the once unforgettable charisma.Hopefully you do not mind accepting as a friend
Gotta hand it to him, haven’t heard that one yet. I’m a little weirded out, but it’s not as if a random pick up line can really phase me. I don't text back. I decided to ignore him. He'll get the hint, right? He'll go away.
A few days later...
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/04 9:52 AM): TC,Best wishes on the dragon boat festival.I understand it is hard for me to win your confidence,which is not bad.Maybe I should have an Aussie girl friend
Tc (06/05 10:45 AM): ? Why are you telling me you should have an Aussie girlfriend. Did you think we were going to date? Either I’m confused or you are...
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 10:56 AM): I really wanted to date you before I left Changsha, but you said you have a boyfriend and denied to meet me.Even do I still miss you and hope to make friends with you because you have your rights to choose your boyfriend.I am an optimistic man,I sincerely wish though I can not make it
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 11:36 AM): If you are available,I am honored to one of the potential candidates to go after you.If you are not available I am happy to be friends
Tc (06/05 12:48 PM): We only met once… I don’t understand how you could want to pursue me. You don’t even know me. I’m sorry but I’m a little uncomfortable with this situation.
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 2:36 PM): I saw you once,that’s true.But you did give me a very good impression and honored to be friend with you.That’s the reason,I ask for your email ,so we can get to know each other more.So take it easy and relax,I will never push you.Anyhow I will go to Beijing after I graduate
Tc (06/05 2:42 PM): Okay… But I’m not going to be in Beijing? I’m going back to France then the States.
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 2:44 PM): OMG,when will you depart Beijing
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 2:51 PM): tceu1@yahoo.com is your email address?I planned to send you a few pictures so you can recognize who I am.Please do the same, so I can keep you in my heart
Do you think if I see a picture of you I’ll suddenly change my mind and become interested? And my picture? Uh. If the warning bells hadn't gone off already in my head, they sure as hell were ringing out full blast now. I don’t text back. I’m actually a little scared. This is so stupid, I think to myself…
----
My cell phone rings almost six hours later at 8:30 PM. I don’t have caller ID and usually pick up all of the calls I receive.
“喂?” I calmly ask....
His voice. I immediately hang up. I panic. Why is he calling me?
----
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 8:37 PM): Hi, your voice is very sweet,I do not know the reason my voice can not go through
Tc (06/05 8:40 PM): I’m sorry. But the attention you’re giving me is making me uncomfortable. Especially because you’re overseas and still feel the need to contact me so persistently.
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 8:45 PM): I am sorry to make you uncomfortable.Would you please send me your email and when will you go to Beijing and then depart.I am thinking of taking the upcoming holiday to back to China so you can have minimum impression on me.if I can make it,good,if can not,I will keep you as a friend in my memory
Tc (06/05 8:53 PM): You’re going to come back to China just so that I can meet you? I’m not comfortable with meeting you. You’re really a stranger and I don’t need this type of attention.
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 9:06 PM): Do not be nervous.I tried,failed, will not regret. This will be a short scenario in life.I thoroughly respect you.Would you please send me your email address.Actually I am considering apply PHD in an American university
Tc (06/05 9:10 PM): I’m sorry. But I do not want to give you my email address.
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 9:15 PM): You do not have to say sorry.it is all my fault.Your denial makes sense .Maybe this is the last contacts between you and me
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 9:24 PM): I always watch my manners as a gentleman should be based on my horizon.Your refusal just breaks my long waited dream.Anyhow which is not bad.I always sincerely wish you best happiness though I can not bring to you.
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/05 9:37 PM): TC,except dating,there ate many things more than that .I do not understand why it is so hard or even impossible to make friend with you.I am not a wolf nor a hooligan ,but a sincere man with warm heart and integrity
Tc (06/05 9:45 PM): I don’t know you. If you were actually a gentleman you would take this rejection gracefully as you said you would. I have no interest in being friends with someone who barely knows me and goes to such lengths. Your attraction to me seems superficial at best. Please stop.
+00614XXXXXXXX (06/06 11:37 AM): TC,I will give up as you said.However I want to protest that love is miracle and distance is not the pretext .I will back to china in several months. Best wishes to you
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Life, love, and what happens after... II
Within a month of my boyfriend breaking up with me…
I changed my plane tickets back to the States, called up my friends to make travel plans, bought tickets for Thailand, Indonesia, and Singapore, changed up my style with two new pair of reading glasses, cut away more than ten inches of my hair, dyed it brown…
flirted with my hairdresser, went on a shopping spree, bought sexy black lingerie, splurged on a pair of kick-ass heels, reread “Tale of Two Cities”, and of course found myself another relationship.
This time around?
I had a Turkmen-Muslim courting me in Chinese.
The hilarity of the situation did not escape me.
Mammet.
He…
can't be described as the type that struck you as particularly good-looking, nor was
particularly brilliant.
could obsess about soccer, Akon, and mayonnaise.
had a habit of fiddling with his phone, which
would spin compulsively between his thumb and index finger.
was just about 6’, dressed like a Parisian.
was learning Japanese and fluent in Russian, Turkmen, and Chinese. But…
didn’t make for outstanding conversation and his taste in music was… terrible.
simply peeked my curiosity, blipped onto my radar, because
spoke so many languages, and his voice was dead sexy.
I
have a thing for voices.
had never heard of Turkmenistan.
kind of just wanted to say I dated a guy from Turkmenistan.
really like guys who can speak more than one language.
could read him like a book.
knew he wasn't smarter than me.
admit,
rebounded.
I had to leave China in eight months.
He had to go back home to an arranged marriage.
He warned me, “I can’t marry you. I can’t love you.”
I replied, “Get over yourself”.
It seemed like the perfect situation. A few months. Fun, light, non-committal and more importantly, there was an end-date… And I hate to admit it, but I liked it that way.
There was no immediate spark or strong connection.
But, he was exactly what I needed.
When I woke him up at seven in the morning, crawled under the blankets, and started quietly crying…He laid down next to me, silently, wiping my tears – remarking how I was still beautiful when I cried.
When I went to the bars with the sole purpose of forgetting the night and hopefully the last two months before that night…He accompanied me to the bars until four in the morning until he finally had to leave to catch his flight to Guangzhou for work the next morning.
When I had higher expectations that he would sleep around with other girls than text me…He managed to find time in his schedule in between conferences, meetings, and clients -- to Skype with me even though he’d only get a few hours of sleep.
When I woke up mad one morning and refused to talk to him…He bought me a scarf to apologize, made me breakfast in bed, and more importantly he looked at me as if he was the luckiest guy in the world. I had forgotten how nice it felt to be –
Loved.
Wait. What?
Stop.
Rewind.
Play.
And then I asked myself an important question… did I want this relationship?
No.
Shit.
And it all went down hill from there...
I changed my plane tickets back to the States, called up my friends to make travel plans, bought tickets for Thailand, Indonesia, and Singapore, changed up my style with two new pair of reading glasses, cut away more than ten inches of my hair, dyed it brown…
flirted with my hairdresser, went on a shopping spree, bought sexy black lingerie, splurged on a pair of kick-ass heels, reread “Tale of Two Cities”, and of course found myself another relationship.
This time around?
I had a Turkmen-Muslim courting me in Chinese.
The hilarity of the situation did not escape me.
Mammet.
He…
can't be described as the type that struck you as particularly good-looking, nor was
particularly brilliant.
could obsess about soccer, Akon, and mayonnaise.
had a habit of fiddling with his phone, which
would spin compulsively between his thumb and index finger.
was just about 6’, dressed like a Parisian.
was learning Japanese and fluent in Russian, Turkmen, and Chinese. But…
didn’t make for outstanding conversation and his taste in music was… terrible.
simply peeked my curiosity, blipped onto my radar, because
spoke so many languages, and his voice was dead sexy.
I
have a thing for voices.
had never heard of Turkmenistan.
kind of just wanted to say I dated a guy from Turkmenistan.
really like guys who can speak more than one language.
could read him like a book.
knew he wasn't smarter than me.
admit,
rebounded.
I had to leave China in eight months.
He had to go back home to an arranged marriage.
He warned me, “I can’t marry you. I can’t love you.”
I replied, “Get over yourself”.
It seemed like the perfect situation. A few months. Fun, light, non-committal and more importantly, there was an end-date… And I hate to admit it, but I liked it that way.
There was no immediate spark or strong connection.
But, he was exactly what I needed.
When I woke him up at seven in the morning, crawled under the blankets, and started quietly crying…He laid down next to me, silently, wiping my tears – remarking how I was still beautiful when I cried.
When I went to the bars with the sole purpose of forgetting the night and hopefully the last two months before that night…He accompanied me to the bars until four in the morning until he finally had to leave to catch his flight to Guangzhou for work the next morning.
When I had higher expectations that he would sleep around with other girls than text me…He managed to find time in his schedule in between conferences, meetings, and clients -- to Skype with me even though he’d only get a few hours of sleep.
When I woke up mad one morning and refused to talk to him…He bought me a scarf to apologize, made me breakfast in bed, and more importantly he looked at me as if he was the luckiest guy in the world. I had forgotten how nice it felt to be –
Loved.
Wait. What?
Stop.
Rewind.
Play.
And then I asked myself an important question… did I want this relationship?
No.
Shit.
And it all went down hill from there...
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
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